Modern Idioms

Times change. Good economies and bad economies, combined with different ways of eating, living and working necessitate a rethink into some of the classical idioms and expressions we’ve grown so accustomed to. Here are a few modern alternatives to some of the old favorites.

1. A penny saved is a penny earned.→ A penny saved is a penny lost at diminishing returns.

2. The customer is always right.→ The customer is most likely morbidly obese, and probably shouldn’t be ordering that second piece of triple chocolate cheesecake.

3. The early bird gets the worm.→ The devious financial broker gets the bailout money.

4. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. → You can lead a politician to congress, but you can’t make him think about anything else except his next reelection campaign.

5. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.→ The road to hell is paved with misappropriated tax dollars.

6. It’s like leading a lamb to slaughter.→ It’s like leading a voter into the voting booth.

7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.→ Absence makes the heart wonder if these workers are somehow redundant.

8. All good things come to those who wait.→ All good things come to those who wait, if death and old age are considered good things.

9. My home is my castle.→ This cardboard box is my castle.

10. Keep your chin up.→ Keep your chins up.

11. Necessity is the mother of invention.→ Necessity is the illegitimate son of your canine-like mother.

12. Silence is golden.→ Gold is golden, and it’s a hell of a lot better than silence.

13. Beggars should not be choosers.→ Beggars really shouldn’t worry about others’ opinions, because those ‘others’ will soon be joining them.

14. Every man has his true price.→ Every man has his true price, and his discount price.

15. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.→ Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.

16. Talk of the Devil, and he is bound to appear.→ Talk of the Devil, and then turn on CNN, FOX or MSNBC.

17. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.→ Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die, and if we don’t, we’ll probably die the day after tomorrow, or maybe next Tuesday.