Smurf Smuggling

International authorities have expressed concerns over a spate of Smurf kidnappings, and a rising trend in Smurf trafficking. Interpol first coined the term “Smurf Smuggling” several years ago during an extensive undercover operation. That sting, involving several global policing agencies, spanned two years and three continents, and led to more than two dozen arrests.

Investigators discovered Triad gang members from Hong Kong illegally transporting the tiny blue creatures into Mainland China, India, England and the United States. Ancient myths attributing aphrodisiacal powers to Smurf tears and Smurf powder made this criminal trade a very lucrative business.

“We really thought we’d stamped this heinous crime out,” Jean Dubois, an agent with Interpol in Lyon, France, explained. “Forcing a Smurf to cry is terrible enough. Grounding the poor little fellow down into powder is simply beyond cruel.”

Smurfs are being smuggled in personal luggage, inside electronic equipment and even inside the human body. “A Smurf can live inside a human being for up to 48 hours. They’re exceedingly hard to pick up on scanner without an invasive, full body x-ray,” Inspector Dubois pointed out. Human ‘mules’ are now being used to ferry Smurfs across international borders. Every month new arrests are being made, but they’re only a trickle in a very large pond.

Jennifer Gomez, with the FBI’s field office in Los Angeles, talked about some of the most recent dilemmas facing various monitoring agencies. “The problem goes way beyond Smurf tears. We’ve really seen a diversification of what can be done with a Smurf. They're not just part of some kooky, alternative medicinal fad anymore. People want to see them fight, and to that end, an awful lot of illegal Smurf fighting clubs are being set up. We’re getting reports every week.”

Tighter regulations, and the relative scarcity of Smurfs has only encouraged those involved in this illicit trade to find new and more inventive ways of getting their product into the country. “A single Smurf can make its owner a lot of cash,” Jennifer explained. “If it’s a ‘gladiator’ Smurf, and he survives the initial training, well…” she fell silent for a moment. “The sky’s the limit. That tiny mushroom dweller will earn more money for his master than most people see in a lifetime.”

Sitting at his desk in Lyon, sipping on an espresso, Jean Dubois detailed how the problem is only getting worse. “Okay, look, people really like Smurfs. What’s not to like? Yeah, a few unbalanced individuals want to eat them, or watch them fight, but all in all, they’re extremely lovable.” When asked why this presented a problem for authorities, he simply sighed. “Because people want them for pets. Lonely people in particular. They keep the Smurf underneath their clothing, somewhere close to their heart, so they can feel the little guy purring against their skin. People don’t realize how fragile Smurf anatomy actually is.”

Interpol alone investigated more than two hundred cases of Smurfs being smothered to death, or crushed beneath people’s clothing last year.

The Belgian government released its latest Smurf census, not counting actual Smurf numbers, but newly discovered villages. More than one hundred Smurf villages are now spread throughout the country, many under state protection, many not. It's very likely that the supply, and the demand, for illegally traded Smurfs will keep rising.

“With such a profound lack of females in Smurf society, we really don’t know how they’re reproducing so fast, or spreading,” Mabelie De Smet, head of Belgium’s ‘Smurf Watch’ recently told a group of assembled reporters. “We know we have to control our borders better. We really do, but they’re just so cute,” she went on to say. “We don’t want to do anything to make them sad. I’m sure most of you here today would agree. No one wants to see a sad Smurf.”

After her impassioned plea, all of the reporters present (including this intrepid correspondent) looked at one another and nodded slowly. We all did seem to agree. No one wants to see a sad Smurf.